Post Negro Dystopia
(Hawaii. Helicopter lands on golf course. A black man, Barack Obama, the ex-President of the United States is on the course, on the green about to put. As the copter lands, men in dark suits walk towards it. A man emerges from the copter and the other men in dark suits greet him. They escort him to the President)
Man in Dark suit: Mr. President. Nelson Pierce, You know why we are here?
President Obama: I am not sure.
(President takes a hit from a vape pipe blows it out)
Nelson Pierce: Well, we are —
President Obama: One second. Let me hit this chip first. What you are about to say might throw me for a loop?
(Obama lines up, hits a chip towards a flag, it lands and nearly rolls in, stopping inches from the hole)
Nelson Pierce: Good shot, Mr. President.
President Obama: I have gotten better since I left office two years ago. More practice time. So what have you got?
Nelson Pierce: Well, if you didn’t know. The President and Vice President are in prison. Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House, is in a coma, and the next person in line, Dick Durbin of Illinois who is President Pro Tempore of the Senate does not want the job, so he suggested appointing you and so he sent me —
President Obama: Appoint me President? Not possible. It’s illegal.
Nelson Pierce: No, appoint you Vice President and then he would resign for personal reasons and you can then succeed him.
President Obama: You’re joking right?
Nelson Pierce: No I am not. The country is a perilous state. Most of the nation don’t realize Ryan is in a coma yet. The trade war with China has driven up prices on everything.
President Obama — Well, I heard about that. See I bought this little car. What do you call it, a Cooper?
Obama: And Gas on it has increased like 3 bucks a gallon. Just like that. I said I would not pay attention to politics once I left office but how can you not? What the hell did they do?
Nelson: How much time do you have, Mr. President?
Obama: Today? I got a lot. But hold up. Got to go hit my next shot
(they walk up the green. Obama sets up for his chippie put, drops it in)
Obama: Did you know Tiger Woods flies out here to play with me?
Nelson: No I didn’t, sir.
Obama: Was here last week. Him and Michael Jordan came one week. I beat both of them. Tiger Woods can barely golf anymore. He is terrible.
Nelson: Is that so, sir?
Obama: Yes it is. He says, golf is boring to him. He only plays it to talk and to smoke cigars.
Nelson: What about Jordan?
Obama: He’s awful too. Terrible.
Nelson: That’s surprising. He has so much pride.
Obama: Pride will get you in trouble in golf, Nelson. It might work on the basketball court but in golf? Humility is better. But back to this Paul Ryan deal. How did he wind up in a coma?
(They are now at the 10th hole. Obama stands ready to tee off)
Nelson Pierce: We think it was Putin.
President Obama: Vladimir Putin? ! Really. That maniac?
Nelson Pierce: Seems Trump became cozy with him and thought he could get Putin to help him get things done that US did not allow. Like moving money around. Putin hates Ryan. Says he is a piece of trash libertarian with beliefs that are outdated.
(President Obama takes another vape as he listens)
Obama: How do you know this?
(Blows out smoke)
Nelson Pierce: Senator Durbin, sir. He got the info from CIA briefings. He is on the Intelligence Committee right now.
Obama: Dick Durbin was always the savvy one.
Nelson: Excuse me, sir, but You vape now?
Obama: I was wondering when you might notice. Don’t tell the Enquirer. I have kept myself off those pages. But the answer is Not really. It is some sort of natural stuff. Not nicotine. Indian herbs. Good stuff. I gave up tobacco I guess you heard. Things are so boring without nicotine but oh well.
Nelson Pierce: Anyways. No one knows what really happened to Ryan but he might have been poisoned the doctors are saying. He would be next in line but he is out. So it is my boss, Sen. Durbin.
Obama: And any reason why he doesn’t want it?
Nelson Pierce: I am not sure, Mr. President, but it is a pretty thankless job.
Obama: I’ll say.
Nelson Pierce; So what do you say?
Obama: What do I say? You see I live in Hawaii now right? You know Magnum P.I., sun and sand. I got a condo that looks at the ocean. I write poetry, listen to John Coltrane, eat blackened Mahi Mahi for breakfast. You ever had blackened Mahi Mahi?
Nelson: No sir.
Obama: I play in a 50 and over b-ball league. No one notices me. I am just a regular guy. And if I wanted, Hawaii has the best reefer on the planet. You ever had a toke?
Nelson: No Sir
Obama; Try it sometimes. Or once. But, you drop here this morning and tell me the country is falling into the Atlantic and that I should drop my life and come back to that one? Is that what you are saying?
Nelson: I am, sir. For country.
(Obama tees off the 10th hole)
Obama: That’s it.
Obama: You remember the Michael Jordan shot in Utah, Nelson?
Obama: Michael Jordan hit a jump shot with a clever push off of Byron Russell, all net. Bulls win their sixth title. It was a thing of beauty. Not like my tee shot.
Nelson: I see, Sir, you are in the woods.
Obama: Well, Jordan retired after that shot. Great coda to a great career. But what does he do? He comes out of retirement a few years later, for a lousy team, and looks OK. Most important of all, they lose a lot of games as he tries really hard. But he is just not the guy he once was, if you know what I’m saying.
Nelson: I think I understand what you are saying sir, but Senator Durbin told me you would likely tell a story like that.
Obama: He did?
Nelson: Yes he did. He said you have a basketball story for everything.
Obama: Son of a bitch.
Nelson: So, how long do you need to pack?
Obama: Well, I am not sure. We have 9 holes to go. And you didn’t hear me say, ‘Yes’ did you? Did I say ‘Yes’? I think I know how the word sounds.
Nelson: No, you didn’t sir. But your ball is probably out of play so you are going to need a drop. Is that two shots? You want me to drive the cart?
Obama: Can I run this by the First Lady, Michele Obama on this first?
Nelson: We already did.
Obama: Oh yea, and ?
Nelson: Shall we say, she is capable of some colorful language, sir?
(Obama laughs. Takes another vape)
Obama: Let’s go find that ball.
(Obama and Nelson are walking down State Street on the South Side of Chicago. They reach a eatery called ‘Captain Kirk’s BBQ Shazam.’ Nelson stops, opens the door. Obama is wearing an afro wig and a fake goatee. He is not wearing a suit but is dressed very casually. Nelson is dressed casually as well).
Obama: Hold up, this place is closed. Even I know that.
Nelson: That would be true, Mr. President.
Obama: Where is Senator Durbin?
Nelson: He’s inside.
Obama: People around here see him go inside?
Nelson: Who knows? They probably thought he is looking at buying it or something.
Obama: You’re shitting right? Two white guys come to the South Side of Chicago, the blackest neighborhood in America and you think no one noticed?
Nelson: Well maybe they did notice. Who cares? Can we just go in now. We even ordered some food for you.
Obama: Let me guess? Some BBQ?
Nelson: No actually, some burgers from Five Guys. Senator Durbin says you like the place. But can we go inside. Someone might notice it is you and then there goes our plan.
Obama: I doubt anyone will recognize me with this crazy afro wig on. Where’d you get this?
Obama: China? That’s the only place you could find an afro wig?
Nelson: Pretty much, sir. We had it flown in.
Obama: Lets go in, I think if I ask another question, this might get worse.
(Inside, Senator Durbin, a young woman, Obama, and Nelson are sitting down at a table eating burgers)
Obama: Now, Dick. Let me get this straight. You will take the oath as President tomorrow, once Ryan is declared a vegetable.
Dick Durbin: Right
Obama: Then you name me VP and later this week, you will step down. Do I have that straight?
Durbin: You do.
(Obama takes a vape blows out the smoke)
Durbin: How long you’ve been vaping?
Obama: Right after I left this place. Looks like I will have to give it up.
Nelson; Why is that Mr. President?
Obama: By the way, you don’t have to call me Mr. President, Nelson. I’ve been meaning to tell you that.
Nelson: It’s okay, Mr. President.
Obama: Never mind. Like I said, ever since I left this place. It can drive you to drink or use LSD. I decided vaping was the way. One hit and I was hooked. Like crack.
Nelson: You shouldn’t say that, Mr. President.
Durbin: You can say that again. You are about to be President again and people are going to challenge you in court and say, this violates the Constitution. So you know how you were straight as an arrow before? This time you are going to need to be straighter.
Obama: Come on now, Michele and I didn’t even have sex for 8 years just to appease these witch hunters.
Nelson: Witch hunters? I am not sure I get it.
Obama: Nelson. You might need to start vaping.
Durbin: Okay. Let us not forget the goal. The country is in complete chaos. If Ryan is once again declared a vegetable, then I am next in line for the job. I will take the oath. I will then name Barack as my VP. But before they can think of acting, I will resign and Barack will take the oath. Then he can take over and I will move to Hawaii.
Obama: Dick. You are moving to Hawaii?
Durbin: I guess it makes sense, don’t you think. Better for me to not be in Washington as you try to fix the mess Trump and Pence made.
Nelson : This is crazy.
Durbin: It is but so is this country. No way in the world they should have elected Donald Trump, President, not to mentioned, Pence. Pence is so extreme he is like the Ayatollah.
(everyone laughs. Obama takes another vape, blows out smoke)
Obama: I am still not sure I like this but it is pretty funny. But I just got one question. The young lady here, why is she here.
Nelson: Oh right, that is the next twist to this.
Obama: Twist? You mean like Chubby Checker, right? Because I am done with these gymnastics. It is bad enough I have come this far.
Durbin: Barack. Be respectful.
Woman: That’s perfectly fine, Mr. Durbin. It is great to finally meet you, Mr. President, I am Isabelle Roosevelt Eberhardt.
Isabelle: No relationship, sir. I checked and checked hoping for one but my mother just liked FDR and Teddy so much she chose the name.
Obama: She chose well.
Isabelle: I think so, Mr. President, but I am, I should say, despite your apprehension, looking forward to this next chapter in the nation’s history and being a big part of it.
Obama: Part of this? Dick. Come on, spill the vodka.
Durbin: Well, Barack, I mean, Mr. President, like I said —
Obama: No, you didn’t say.
Durbin: We feel that you should name Mrs. Eberhardt as your VP.
Obama: Oh really.
Nelson: To balance things out, sir. I mean Trump beat a very popular woman, and so to bring those voters back into the fold, we have Mrs Eberhardt, who while unknown, she is very experienced and qualified.
Obama: You guys?
Durbin: This is —
Obama: This is what? Not your idea, Dick?
Durbin: Well it was my idea but I thought we should have chosen someone else. Like Dianne Feinstein, a more well know quantity, but you know these political wonks. They got it all figured out.
Obama: Well, who chose Mrs. Eberhart?
Durbin: Well –
Nelson: Mr. President, can we say, it is not done yet but can we just move on to the specifics of your re-instatement.
Obama: No way, Nelson. I want to know how Ms. Eberhart, who looks as young as my oldest daughter, is set to be VP.
Nelson: Well sir, it was Hillary Clinton, sir.
Obama: Hillary Clinton? How did she get in this?
Durbin: We asked her if she wanted to be VP
Obama begins walking towards the door.
Durbin: Where are you going?
Obama: Back to Hawaii. This is another Democratic Party boondoggle.
Nelson: But wait, sir. It’s not safe.
(Obama finally takes off the disguise).
Obama: It’s not? This is Chicago. Check you guys. I am going to find a BBQ joint.
(Obama departs, leaves everyone in the room).
TO BE CONTINUED
END of PART 1