Post — Negro Dystopia (a serial) Chapter 2

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(Obama is sitting outside on an abandoned house in Chicago. There is some traffic around. Two men in dark suits and trench coats, stand near him. They are Secret Service agents. They wear dark shades even though it is dusk in the city. Obama is eating a slab of ribs and has a six pack of beer next to him

A car pulls up, Dick Durbin and Nelson get out and walk over. Rahm Emanuel is with them, he is still Mayor of Chicago).

Nelson: Where did you go, Mr. President. You left the place and you were gone. We were concerned.

Obama: I keep saying Nelson, you need not call me, Mr. President.

Nelson: It’s okay, Sir, but how did you disappear so fast, on the South Side of Chicago.

Obama: Where are you from, Nelson?

Nelson: I was born in Canada, Sir. Utopia, Ontario. Small city, North of Toronto. My parents then moved to the U.S. to work as engineers. New Mexico.

Obama: I take it you didn’t get out much.

Durbin: Barack, can we get back to the change of power discussion. You get a chance to be President again. Don’t you want that?

Obama: Any of you want a rib? The sauce is extra spicy, sweet. Not like that North Carolina vinegar sauce.

Obama takes a swallow of beer and then keeps eating ribs.

Rahm: I will take one. Where did you get these? Lem’s?

Obama: Rahm Emanuel. Mr. Chicago. These are from Lem’s. You want a piece of my pulled pork sandwich? I got two of them. Secret Service guys both said they don’t do pork.

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NBC Chicago

Rahm: I’ll pass on the sandwich but a rib from Lews? Never turn it down.

Rahm begins eating a rib.

Obama: Dick? Nelson?

Durbin: Well, if you insist.

Durbin grabs the sandwich, takes a bite.

Nelson: Mr. President, as you can see we brought Mayor Emanuel because we figured he could talk sense to you. You two had great success together.

Obama: Then he cut and ran, left me there to slap around the GOP verbally alone. I lost my Luca Brasi.

Nelson: Who?

Obama: I take it you not only never got outside as a kid, you haven’t seen ‘The Godfather’ either, Nelson.

Rahm: Stop making fun of the guy, Barack. But I beg to disagree with that fucking characterization, I should note. I did not cut and run. And when I was there those Republicans knew, I would kick their ass if they got out of line. You saw what happened when I left. They got courage again.

Obama: No worries. I want to thank you guys for getting me to Chicago first of all. Hawaii has great food but BBQ is not the island’s speciality. I don’t remember who said come here first to plan but whoever it was, give that guy a raise.

(Obama keeps eating ribs)

Nelson: No problem, Mr. President, but —

Obama: I got tickets to Buddy Guy’s tonight too to catch some blues. That reminds me, I am gonna need that afro wig and fake goatee you got from China again.

Nelson: Got it.

Durbin: What are you doing, Barack stalling? We need you. The country needs you. Do you even read the papers what Trump did to the country? It was a complete and total disaster. Some people even think China might annex some other countries because of Trump. And why are you out here staring at an empty lot?

Rahm: It’s not an empty lot, Dick.

Durbin: It’s not. Are you engaging in alternative facts, Rahm. I am staring at an empty lot and eating pulled pork.

Nelson: Sir, it’s the museum lot.

Durbin: Museum?

Obama: Yea, Dick. My museum. This is where they are gonna build it. Where have you been? You’re a Senator for Illinois and you didn’t know this? Weren’t you at the briefings?

Durbin: Really?

Rahm: Yea, really. But anyway. Forget about the museum chatter. Are you coming back into the fold or what? Shit is bad. Do you realize how truly fucked up Trump and Pence left things?

Obama: What’s up with Ryan? Anyone check lately?

Nelson: No change, Mr. President. Coma, not yet declared a vegetable.

Obama: How can you be almost a vegetable? That sounds worst than the Bill Clinton line about the word “is” during that Lewinsky thing?

Durbin: Almost, or total, we are still in political purgatory but we got to be ready.

Obama: Why does that matter anyway? His wife can run the country?

Durbin: His wife?

Obama: Yea. Did you know Woodrow Wilson’s wife, the first lady, ran the country after he had a stroke?

Durbin: Who?

Obama: Edith Wilson, Dick. President Wilson had a stroke and she took over secretly and ran the country.

Durbin; You are making this up. How many beers have you had? Or are you smoking marijuana again?

Obama: I am not drunk or high, Dick. Real question, what college did you go to that you don’t know this?

Rahm: Stop it. Shut the fuck up both of you. This is an absurd exchange. Lets get the fuck out of here. I mean, if you are not in, we can take you back to the airport.

Durbin: No way. Rahm. I am going to be President and then someone is going to take over. Things are too terrible to leave as they are. The man stripped government of all of its functional capacity, things fell apart and then he was assasinated. Barack can’t go back to Hawaii. He is taking the job unless you want the job.

Rahm: I’ve got a job.

(Secret service guy comes over and whispers in Barack’s ear. They exchange words)

Barack: That’s it guys lets go.

Nelson: Where are we going, Mr. President?

Durbin: Hopefully to catch the plane to Washington?

Barack: No way. Washington can wait. Going to the YMCA in Hyde Park. They still have an over 50 pick up b-ball league going. I say we lace them up, break a sweat. Nothing like a cardio to get clarity of mind. The four of us and we can pick up one of the Secret Service guys to jump in.

Durbin: No way, this is insane.

Barack: It is. You and Rahm are kind of short. And you look like you couldn’t dunk in a toilet. But shall I again repeat your plans for our country?

Rahm: Dick. Shut the fuck up and lets go play the game. At least we might be closer to resolving this.

(All of them begin walking towards cars along with secret service agents)

Barack: By the way, Dick, what happened to Ms. Roosevelt?

Nelson: Well, Mr. President, the Senator told me to —

Durbin: Nelson?

Nelson: Sir?

Durbin: Shut the fuck up.

(Fade Out)

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Cut to:

(YMCA. Obama, Durbin, Nelson, Rahm, and one of the Secret Service agents are playing in a basketball game. They are getting crushed. The 50 plus year olds they are playing, work a pick and roll on them resulting in a dunk. The guy who dunked it beats his chest. “9–1” he barks. “Game point.”

Durbin takes the ball out and gives it to Obama.

Obama: You guys suck.

Obama dribbles up court.

Obama (to Durbin): Have you ever played basketball, Dick.

Durbin: What kind of question is that?

Obama: You stink man.

Rahm: (from up court) Hey, hurry up, bring it up court, we can still win this game.

(The members of the other team burst out laughing.)

Obama: Okay, man. I know we stink but a little respect now.

(Obama dribbles up court, makes a few moves and is open momentarily)

Nelson: Mr. President! I’m open.

(The other team intentionally has left Nelson open under the basket. Obama dribbles back out. Obama does not pass it).

Rahm: He was fucking open.

Obama: So were you. It’s 9–1, we stink. I should have recruited some other players before we left the South Side.

(Players on the other team converge on Obama and try to trap him, he goes around them, shoots a jump shot, ball goes in, all net. The other team claps Obama’s team backs slowly down court.

Obama: I should have heisted the whole game instead of passing the ball to you bums. It is like the health care law. I passed it to the Democrats in Congress and they fumbled the ball. We ended up with a law with no moves. Like a basketball player who can dribble but not shoot.

Nelson: Mr. President, you kind of mixed a basketball metaphor with a football one.

Obama: Nelson.

Nelson: Yes, Mr. President. I get it.

Suddenly, the other team racing down court, runs a play, which results in another dunk. “Game!” the player yells. He beats his chest.

Obama: My man, I mean, you get off dunking on a bunch of reject politicians. Come on, now.

(The other team high fives and runs back down court)

Durbin: I guess this didn’t go so well, did it?

Obama: You can say that again. It reminds me of when Joe Lieberman killed the public option in the health care law. Total backstab by that guy.

Durbin: You will not let that go will you?

Obama: I got some other ones now. You ready?

Rahm: I am usually better than this. I just haven’t gotten to the courts much lately. Too many press conferences about police shootings.

Obama: I will ignore that one. But truthfully all of you look like your games are from the 1920’s. You couldn’t beat a Pee Wee League team.

Nelson: Mr. President, I believe someone has next and they want you to join their team.

(Obama looks and four players have stepped onto the court. They look about the same age as him but look in good shape. One of them walks up to Obama.

Obama: Hey, do I know you?

B.J.: Mr. President, it’s a pleasure. B.J. Armstrong. I used to play for the Bulls if you remember.

Obama: Sure I do. Michael Jordan’s kickout option. Glad to see you. Did I you know M.J. comes out to Hawaii to play golf all the time?

B.J.: Nope.

Obama: Let me tell you; he is terrible. I kill him. Him and Tiger Woods. And let me tell you, I appreciate you picking me up like this. I spent 8 years in Washington D.C., as President, and no one, I mean no one picked me up when I was losing. Except my wife.

(Obama and the other players come onto the court. The team he just lost too is there as well).

Obama: So let me ask you guys, are you ready to lose?

(Everyone laughs)


courtesy: New York Times

Obama can be seen taking a pass from B.J., shoots a jump shot, all nets.

Obama: Game !! 10–0. Yes !!

(His team high fives all around).

B.J.: Good game, Mr. President.

Obama: No, good game to you. Man, I needed that. That was almost as good as the ribs I had earlier from Lew’s.

(Durbin runs up to Obama. He offers him a high five, Obama reluctantly gives it to him)

Durbin: Great game, Barack!

Obama: I know. I had a team. It again reminds me of my time in D.C. especially that back stabber Joe Lieberman and the many Democrats who folded on the stimulus package.

Durbin: We got billions with that law.

Obama: $787 billion, Dick. I signed it. We could have gotten over $1 trillion and things would have been even better. But again, you guys caved.

Durbin: Oh really? I remember it differently.

Obama: Really?

Rahm: That was a good game. Now can we shit or get off the pot? Are we headed east or what? Word is an announcement regarding Ryan’s condition is forthcoming. No one knows the Titanic hit four icebergs and the captain jumped overboard. That means Dick needs to make his way back because they will be looking for him to take control of this piece of shit.

Nelson: Piece of shit, Mr. Mayor?

Rahm: You got a better description for what Trump and Pence did to this place?

(Nelson doesn’t respond)

Obama: You guys are real bold with this move. Durbin becomes President by law, names the Magic Negro his Vice President, and then, he resigns giving Magic Negro a third term. I taught Constitutional Law, and I am still not sure this is legal. In fact, it feels pretty unconstitutional but by the time they know what hit them, I bet Dick is thinking -

Durbin: You will be President and it won’t matter.

Obama: Exactly, and that is exactly the kind of craziness I wants no part of.

Nelson: I think this is what they call, a case of first impression, Mr. President. It will have to go to court.

Obama: I know Nelson. Anyway.

Rahm: But forget about that. I could be somewhere preventing homicides in this city and I am here with you guys. I need to know are we done, here? Are you headed to D.C. Durbin disturbed my mindfulness session today to come out to talk to you and you are the same as always, contemplative. Fuck contemplative. We need action. The country is in a shit hole.

(Obama laughs, pulls out his vape, lights it, takes a hit, blows out smoke).

Durbin: You had that in your pocket while we were playing?

Obama: I always like to keep my vape close. Never know when you hear some foul mouthed politician and you will need it.

Durbin: But what are you going to do?

Obama: Me? I am going to Buddy Guy’s. I don’t know who is there tonight but I want to hear some blues.

Rahm: Holy Fuck. I told you Durbin. The guy thinks he is Siddhartha. You should have asked Martin O’Malley.

Obama: O’Malley? That wasn’t a bad choice but if you guys are done with me, I am still going to shower and go to Buddy Guy’s. Anyone game?

Nelson: I am !

Durbin: Nelson!

Nelson: Sorry, sir.

Obama: No worries, Nelson. But I am going to need that afro wig again. Not many people in here. Buddy Guy’s is going to be packed. Besides, the afro wig will be more fitting for Buddy’s joint. I gave it back to you didn’t I?

Nelson: You did, Mr. President.

Obama: Shall we go team? Or is it O’Malley?

(Obama, Rahm, Durbin, Nelson, and the Secret Service agents head for the locker room to change up.)



Numbers runner. Cigar smoker.

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